TONY’S BARBERSHOP
By Mike Colonna
714-747-5670
WiseGuysCooking@gmail.com
Mamma Castelli welcomes Rabbi Morris Diamond and Wise Guy Frankie Milano, to Tony’s Barber Shop. The Rabbi’s there for a shoulder massage, Milano get’s his regular cut from Mamma Castelli husband Tony Castelli.
By Mike Colonna
714-747-5670
WiseGuysCooking@gmail.com
Mamma Castelli welcomes Rabbi Morris Diamond and Wise Guy Frankie Milano, to Tony’s Barber Shop. The Rabbi’s there for a shoulder massage, Milano get’s his regular cut from Mamma Castelli husband Tony Castelli.
Trixie and Toots are Tony’s mani-pedi girls and chime in with their advice while Mamma Castelli keeps order at the barber shop.
Rabbi Morris, the non-Italian, sits in a barber chair while Mamma Castelli massages his shoulders, listens in on conversations, reacting to the other characters, and chips in with personal stories.
INT: CHICAGO-TONY’S BARBER SHOP
Rabbi Morris is sitting in a barber chair, black outfit with wearing a “yamaka.” Mamma Castelli welcomes Frankie Milano, at the front counter, an old customer and local wise guy. Enter through the front door. You see a counter, a wall with barber equipment, and two barber chairs.
Rabbi Morris Diamond enters and is escorted to a barber chair by Mamma Castelli. She gently helps the Rabbi into his barber chair and puts a white barber apron around his neck.
Tony, her husband, has his back to the audience and arranges his barber tools. He acknowledges the Rabbi.
TONY
Hello, Rabbi, how are you doin today?
RABBI
Shalom
TONY
Back at you Rabbi.
Mamma Castelli massages the Rabbi’s shoulders during the conversation.
Wise Guy Frankie Milano enters the reception area and rings the small bell.
MAMMA CASTELLI
I’ll be right with you Frankie.
She meets Frankie at the reception counter and walks him to the empty barber chair. Tony helps Milano remove his jacket, and a shoulder holster is exposed.
MILANO
Frankie, how’s a you face?
FRANKIE
My face is fine, Tony, how’s a your face?
MILANO
I can’t complain.
Frankie Milano acknowledges the Rabbi.
MILANO (CONT’D)
How you doin today Rabbi?
RABBI
I’m doin.
MILANO
Happy Jewish things to you and what not Rabbi.
Rabbi does a double take, grabs Momma Castelli hand and moves it lower on his shoulders.
RABBI
Lower if you don’t mind.
MAMMA CASTELLI
Rabbi, do you ever visit the doctor?
RABBI
No I stopped, the last time I went into his office I noticed all of his Plants were dead. Was not a pleasant site.
TONY
Frankie do you want the works.
MILANO
Of course.
Rabbi Diamond keeps grabbing Mamma Castelli’s hands and lowering them down to his chest. Two sexy older gals enter from the side of the shop.
TONY
Frankie I want you to meet my new girls, Trixie and Toots. Girls meet Rabbi Morris.
RABBI
It’s nice for you to see me. (Admiring their looks)
MILANO
Tony, my wife’s mad at me. I can’t figure it out.
TONY
Wive’s, they can do that.
MILANO
You know Tony, she like romantic mnvies, so I take her to a romantic movie. (His hands are expressing his sentiments under the barber bib) So I take her to this very erotic movie.
TONY
Erotic?
MILANO
Yea, erotic. We leave the show and she asks me, Frankie why don’t you make passionate love to me like the man did in the movie? I said are you kidding me? Do you know how much that guy gets paid for that?
TONY
That sounds like the natural thing to say.
Toots and Trixie are at work. Polishing Milano’s nails and massaging his feet.
TOOTS
I don’t blame your wife. Last week my husband left me for good. The only problem is he left his mother.
TRIXIE
That’s crazy, when my mother-n-law died I got a message from the mortician. He wanted to know if he should bury, embalm or cremate the old gal. I told him do all three, let’s not take any chances.
MAMMA CASTELLI
(Chimes in) You think that’s crazy, I got so made at Tony one day, someone from the old age home knocked on our door and asked for a contribution, Tony wanted to give’m my mother!
Rabbi Morris is busy moving Mamma Castelli’s hand around his shoulders.
RABBI
(Addressing Mamma Castelli) Pretend I’m Clark Gable in Gone with the Wind.
MAMMA CASTELLI
Rabbi, I’m standing behind you, the wind back here aint’ so hot! (waving bad air)
MILANO
(Tony’s addresses Milano) You know Tony we work hard all our lives, my wife always say to me, why can’t you come home exhausted like the man next door.
TOOTS
I asked my husband if I was the first girl he ever made love to. He said, “it’s possible, were you in Pittsburgh in 1975?
TRIXIE
Men, You wise guys are all the same. My husband never tells the truth. He went hunting one night with his pals, he told me he bagged a cougar, I asked him how did you know it was a cougar, he said, she wore a stiped dress, had an hour glass figure, with a couple of minutes to spare and said I’m game!
MILANO
Hey, Tony are you almost done?
TONY
I still have to trim around your ears.
TONY (CONT’D)
Look at my wife, she has stayed with me through thick and thin. But she has her little problems. (Momma Castelli is all ears) I was trying to convince her that a husband is like a fine wine, he get’s better with age. The next day she locked me in the celler.
MILANO
You know, I admire my uncle Luigi. He believes that a marriage and a career don’t mix. So when he got married he stopped working.
TONY
I’ve always felt that all marriages are happy. It’s the living together that’s the problem.
TOOTS
Husbands, ugh. I met my husband Joey at a dance, it was so embarrassing. I thought he was home with the kids.
TRIXIE
My husband and I were introduced by a mutual friend, the bartender at the Pasquale’s House of meatballs. He’s no longer my friend.
TONY
We’re almost done, Frankie. How are your kids doing?
MILANO
Funny you should ask. My daughter Gina is currently going back east to college.
TONY
What is she taking?
MILANO
Everything I’ve got.
MAMMA CASTELLI
Rabbi wasn’t your son in a lot of trouble?
RABBI
Oy vey, tell me about it. When he was 5 years old we sent him to synagogue school. He hated it. Then we sent him to public school, he got kicked out. Then we tried military school, he wouldn’t take orders,he was discharged. Finally we sent him to Catholic Schools. You wouldn’t believe it, he got straight “A’s!” Wonderful grades. I asked him why did you change? He said, you would change to if you walked into class and saw a Jewish guy nailed to a cross!
MILANO
My uncle Jimmy was a doctor. I went to visit him once. All of a sudden a nun runs in screaming and crying. So my uncle looked at her and told her she was pregnant. Was she pregnant? I don’t know, but it got rid of her hiccups!
TONY
Well girls let’s call it a day. Frankie Milano, it’s always a pleasure to catch up on the local happenings, (Tony looks at Mamma Castelli) what are we have for dinner tonight?
MAMMA CASTELLI
Pasta Bolognese with Pigs feet. Your favorite wine from Tuscany. and for desert my home made cannoli’s. Everyone’s invited. (She waves to the audience inviting them all for dinner.)
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Tony, her husband, has his back to the audience and arranges his barber tools. He acknowledges the Rabbi.
TONY
Hello, Rabbi, how are you doin today?
RABBI
Shalom
TONY
Back at you Rabbi.
Mamma Castelli massages the Rabbi’s shoulders during the conversation.
Wise Guy Frankie Milano enters the reception area and rings the small bell.
MAMMA CASTELLI
I’ll be right with you Frankie.
She meets Frankie at the reception counter and walks him to the empty barber chair. Tony helps Milano remove his jacket, and a shoulder holster is exposed.
MILANO
Frankie, how’s a you face?
FRANKIE
My face is fine, Tony, how’s a your face?
MILANO
I can’t complain.
Frankie Milano acknowledges the Rabbi.
MILANO (CONT’D)
How you doin today Rabbi?
RABBI
I’m doin.
MILANO
Happy Jewish things to you and what not Rabbi.
Rabbi does a double take, grabs Momma Castelli hand and moves it lower on his shoulders.
RABBI
Lower if you don’t mind.
MAMMA CASTELLI
Rabbi, do you ever visit the doctor?
RABBI
No I stopped, the last time I went into his office I noticed all of his Plants were dead. Was not a pleasant site.
TONY
Frankie do you want the works.
MILANO
Of course.
Rabbi Diamond keeps grabbing Mamma Castelli’s hands and lowering them down to his chest. Two sexy older gals enter from the side of the shop.
TONY
Frankie I want you to meet my new girls, Trixie and Toots. Girls meet Rabbi Morris.
RABBI
It’s nice for you to see me. (Admiring their looks)
MILANO
Tony, my wife’s mad at me. I can’t figure it out.
TONY
Wive’s, they can do that.
MILANO
You know Tony, she like romantic mnvies, so I take her to a romantic movie. (His hands are expressing his sentiments under the barber bib) So I take her to this very erotic movie.
TONY
Erotic?
MILANO
Yea, erotic. We leave the show and she asks me, Frankie why don’t you make passionate love to me like the man did in the movie? I said are you kidding me? Do you know how much that guy gets paid for that?
TONY
That sounds like the natural thing to say.
Toots and Trixie are at work. Polishing Milano’s nails and massaging his feet.
TOOTS
I don’t blame your wife. Last week my husband left me for good. The only problem is he left his mother.
TRIXIE
That’s crazy, when my mother-n-law died I got a message from the mortician. He wanted to know if he should bury, embalm or cremate the old gal. I told him do all three, let’s not take any chances.
MAMMA CASTELLI
(Chimes in) You think that’s crazy, I got so made at Tony one day, someone from the old age home knocked on our door and asked for a contribution, Tony wanted to give’m my mother!
Rabbi Morris is busy moving Mamma Castelli’s hand around his shoulders.
RABBI
(Addressing Mamma Castelli) Pretend I’m Clark Gable in Gone with the Wind.
MAMMA CASTELLI
Rabbi, I’m standing behind you, the wind back here aint’ so hot! (waving bad air)
MILANO
(Tony’s addresses Milano) You know Tony we work hard all our lives, my wife always say to me, why can’t you come home exhausted like the man next door.
TOOTS
I asked my husband if I was the first girl he ever made love to. He said, “it’s possible, were you in Pittsburgh in 1975?
TRIXIE
Men, You wise guys are all the same. My husband never tells the truth. He went hunting one night with his pals, he told me he bagged a cougar, I asked him how did you know it was a cougar, he said, she wore a stiped dress, had an hour glass figure, with a couple of minutes to spare and said I’m game!
MILANO
Hey, Tony are you almost done?
TONY
I still have to trim around your ears.
TONY (CONT’D)
Look at my wife, she has stayed with me through thick and thin. But she has her little problems. (Momma Castelli is all ears) I was trying to convince her that a husband is like a fine wine, he get’s better with age. The next day she locked me in the celler.
MILANO
You know, I admire my uncle Luigi. He believes that a marriage and a career don’t mix. So when he got married he stopped working.
TONY
I’ve always felt that all marriages are happy. It’s the living together that’s the problem.
TOOTS
Husbands, ugh. I met my husband Joey at a dance, it was so embarrassing. I thought he was home with the kids.
TRIXIE
My husband and I were introduced by a mutual friend, the bartender at the Pasquale’s House of meatballs. He’s no longer my friend.
TONY
We’re almost done, Frankie. How are your kids doing?
MILANO
Funny you should ask. My daughter Gina is currently going back east to college.
TONY
What is she taking?
MILANO
Everything I’ve got.
MAMMA CASTELLI
Rabbi wasn’t your son in a lot of trouble?
RABBI
Oy vey, tell me about it. When he was 5 years old we sent him to synagogue school. He hated it. Then we sent him to public school, he got kicked out. Then we tried military school, he wouldn’t take orders,he was discharged. Finally we sent him to Catholic Schools. You wouldn’t believe it, he got straight “A’s!” Wonderful grades. I asked him why did you change? He said, you would change to if you walked into class and saw a Jewish guy nailed to a cross!
MILANO
My uncle Jimmy was a doctor. I went to visit him once. All of a sudden a nun runs in screaming and crying. So my uncle looked at her and told her she was pregnant. Was she pregnant? I don’t know, but it got rid of her hiccups!
TONY
Well girls let’s call it a day. Frankie Milano, it’s always a pleasure to catch up on the local happenings, (Tony looks at Mamma Castelli) what are we have for dinner tonight?
MAMMA CASTELLI
Pasta Bolognese with Pigs feet. Your favorite wine from Tuscany. and for desert my home made cannoli’s. Everyone’s invited. (She waves to the audience inviting them all for dinner.)
FRANKIE
My face is fine, Tony, how’s a your face?
MILANO
I can’t complain.
Frankie Milano acknowledges the Rabbi.
MILANO (CONT’D)
How you doin today Rabbi?
RABBI
I’m doin.
MILANO
Happy Jewish things to you and what not Rabbi.
Rabbi does a double take, grabs Momma Castelli hand and moves it lower on his shoulders.
RABBI
Lower if you don’t mind.
MAMMA CASTELLI
Rabbi, do you ever visit the doctor?
RABBI
No I stopped, the last time I went into his office I noticed all of his Plants were dead. Was not a pleasant site.
TONY
Frankie do you want the works.
MILANO
Of course.
Rabbi Diamond keeps grabbing Mamma Castelli’s hands and lowering them down to his chest. Two sexy older gals enter from the side of the shop.
TONY
Frankie I want you to meet my new girls, Trixie and Toots. Girls meet Rabbi Morris.
RABBI
It’s nice for you to see me. (Admiring their looks)
MILANO
Tony, my wife’s mad at me. I can’t figure it out.
TONY
Wive’s, they can do that.
MILANO
You know Tony, she like romantic mnvies, so I take her to a romantic movie. (His hands are expressing his sentiments under the barber bib) So I take her to this very erotic movie.
TONY
Erotic?
MILANO
Yea, erotic. We leave the show and she asks me, Frankie why don’t you make passionate love to me like the man did in the movie? I said are you kidding me? Do you know how much that guy gets paid for that?
TONY
That sounds like the natural thing to say.
Toots and Trixie are at work. Polishing Milano’s nails and massaging his feet.
TOOTS
I don’t blame your wife. Last week my husband left me for good. The only problem is he left his mother.
TRIXIE
That’s crazy, when my mother-n-law died I got a message from the mortician. He wanted to know if he should bury, embalm or cremate the old gal. I told him do all three, let’s not take any chances.
MAMMA CASTELLI
(Chimes in) You think that’s crazy, I got so made at Tony one day, someone from the old age home knocked on our door and asked for a contribution, Tony wanted to give’m my mother!
Rabbi Morris is busy moving Mamma Castelli’s hand around his shoulders.
RABBI
(Addressing Mamma Castelli) Pretend I’m Clark Gable in Gone with the Wind.
MAMMA CASTELLI
Rabbi, I’m standing behind you, the wind back here aint’ so hot! (waving bad air)
MILANO
(Tony’s addresses Milano) You know Tony we work hard all our lives, my wife always say to me, why can’t you come home exhausted like the man next door.
TOOTS
I asked my husband if I was the first girl he ever made love to. He said, “it’s possible, were you in Pittsburgh in 1975?
TRIXIE
Men, You wise guys are all the same. My husband never tells the truth. He went hunting one night with his pals, he told me he bagged a cougar, I asked him how did you know it was a cougar, he said, she wore a stiped dress, had an hour glass figure, with a couple of minutes to spare and said I’m game!
MILANO
Hey, Tony are you almost done?
TONY
I still have to trim around your ears.
TONY (CONT’D)
Look at my wife, she has stayed with me through thick and thin. But she has her little problems. (Momma Castelli is all ears) I was trying to convince her that a husband is like a fine wine, he get’s better with age. The next day she locked me in the celler.
MILANO
You know, I admire my uncle Luigi. He believes that a marriage and a career don’t mix. So when he got married he stopped working.
TONY
I’ve always felt that all marriages are happy. It’s the living together that’s the problem.
TOOTS
Husbands, ugh. I met my husband Joey at a dance, it was so embarrassing. I thought he was home with the kids.
TRIXIE
My husband and I were introduced by a mutual friend, the bartender at the Pasquale’s House of meatballs. He’s no longer my friend.
TONY
We’re almost done, Frankie. How are your kids doing?
MILANO
Funny you should ask. My daughter Gina is currently going back east to college.
TONY
What is she taking?
MILANO
Everything I’ve got.
MAMMA CASTELLI
Rabbi wasn’t your son in a lot of trouble?
RABBI
Oy vey, tell me about it. When he was 5 years old we sent him to synagogue school. He hated it. Then we sent him to public school, he got kicked out. Then we tried military school, he wouldn’t take orders,he was discharged. Finally we sent him to Catholic Schools. You wouldn’t believe it, he got straight “A’s!” Wonderful grades. I asked him why did you change? He said, you would change to if you walked into class and saw a Jewish guy nailed to a cross!
MILANO
My uncle Jimmy was a doctor. I went to visit him once. All of a sudden a nun runs in screaming and crying. So my uncle looked at her and told her she was pregnant. Was she pregnant? I don’t know, but it got rid of her hiccups!
TONY
Well girls let’s call it a day. Frankie Milano, it’s always a pleasure to catch up on the local happenings, (Tony looks at Mamma Castelli) what are we have for dinner tonight?
MAMMA CASTELLI
Pasta Bolognese with Pigs feet. Your favorite wine from Tuscany. and for desert my home made cannoli’s. Everyone’s invited. (She waves to the audience inviting them all for dinner.)
MILANO
Of course.
Rabbi Diamond keeps grabbing Mamma Castelli’s hands and lowering them down to his chest. Two sexy older gals enter from the side of the shop.
TONY
Frankie I want you to meet my new girls, Trixie and Toots. Girls meet Rabbi Morris.
RABBI
It’s nice for you to see me. (Admiring their looks)
MILANO
Tony, my wife’s mad at me. I can’t figure it out.
TONY
Wive’s, they can do that.
MILANO
You know Tony, she like romantic mnvies, so I take her to a romantic movie. (His hands are expressing his sentiments under the barber bib) So I take her to this very erotic movie.
TONY
Erotic?
MILANO
Yea, erotic. We leave the show and she asks me, Frankie why don’t you make passionate love to me like the man did in the movie? I said are you kidding me? Do you know how much that guy gets paid for that?
TONY
That sounds like the natural thing to say.
Toots and Trixie are at work. Polishing Milano’s nails and massaging his feet.
TOOTS
I don’t blame your wife. Last week my husband left me for good. The only problem is he left his mother.
TRIXIE
That’s crazy, when my mother-n-law died I got a message from the mortician. He wanted to know if he should bury, embalm or cremate the old gal. I told him do all three, let’s not take any chances.
MAMMA CASTELLI
(Chimes in) You think that’s crazy, I got so made at Tony one day, someone from the old age home knocked on our door and asked for a contribution, Tony wanted to give’m my mother!
Rabbi Morris is busy moving Mamma Castelli’s hand around his shoulders.
RABBI
(Addressing Mamma Castelli) Pretend I’m Clark Gable in Gone with the Wind.
MAMMA CASTELLI
Rabbi, I’m standing behind you, the wind back here aint’ so hot! (waving bad air)
MILANO
(Tony’s addresses Milano) You know Tony we work hard all our lives, my wife always say to me, why can’t you come home exhausted like the man next door.
TOOTS
I asked my husband if I was the first girl he ever made love to. He said, “it’s possible, were you in Pittsburgh in 1975?
TRIXIE
Men, You wise guys are all the same. My husband never tells the truth. He went hunting one night with his pals, he told me he bagged a cougar, I asked him how did you know it was a cougar, he said, she wore a stiped dress, had an hour glass figure, with a couple of minutes to spare and said I’m game!
MILANO
Hey, Tony are you almost done?
TONY
I still have to trim around your ears.
TONY (CONT’D)
Look at my wife, she has stayed with me through thick and thin. But she has her little problems. (Momma Castelli is all ears) I was trying to convince her that a husband is like a fine wine, he get’s better with age. The next day she locked me in the celler.
MILANO
You know, I admire my uncle Luigi. He believes that a marriage and a career don’t mix. So when he got married he stopped working.
TONY
I’ve always felt that all marriages are happy. It’s the living together that’s the problem.
TOOTS
Husbands, ugh. I met my husband Joey at a dance, it was so embarrassing. I thought he was home with the kids.
TRIXIE
My husband and I were introduced by a mutual friend, the bartender at the Pasquale’s House of meatballs. He’s no longer my friend.
TONY
We’re almost done, Frankie. How are your kids doing?
MILANO
Funny you should ask. My daughter Gina is currently going back east to college.
TONY
What is she taking?
MILANO
Everything I’ve got.
MAMMA CASTELLI
Rabbi wasn’t your son in a lot of trouble?
RABBI
Oy vey, tell me about it. When he was 5 years old we sent him to synagogue school. He hated it. Then we sent him to public school, he got kicked out. Then we tried military school, he wouldn’t take orders,he was discharged. Finally we sent him to Catholic Schools. You wouldn’t believe it, he got straight “A’s!” Wonderful grades. I asked him why did you change? He said, you would change to if you walked into class and saw a Jewish guy nailed to a cross!
MILANO
My uncle Jimmy was a doctor. I went to visit him once. All of a sudden a nun runs in screaming and crying. So my uncle looked at her and told her she was pregnant. Was she pregnant? I don’t know, but it got rid of her hiccups!
TONY
Well girls let’s call it a day. Frankie Milano, it’s always a pleasure to catch up on the local happenings, (Tony looks at Mamma Castelli) what are we have for dinner tonight?
MAMMA CASTELLI
Pasta Bolognese with Pigs feet. Your favorite wine from Tuscany. and for desert my home made cannoli’s. Everyone’s invited. (She waves to the audience inviting them all for dinner.)
TONY
That sounds like the natural thing to say.
Toots and Trixie are at work. Polishing Milano’s nails and massaging his feet.
TOOTS
I don’t blame your wife. Last week my husband left me for good. The only problem is he left his mother.
TRIXIE
That’s crazy, when my mother-n-law died I got a message from the mortician. He wanted to know if he should bury, embalm or cremate the old gal. I told him do all three, let’s not take any chances.
MAMMA CASTELLI
(Chimes in) You think that’s crazy, I got so made at Tony one day, someone from the old age home knocked on our door and asked for a contribution, Tony wanted to give’m my mother!
Rabbi Morris is busy moving Mamma Castelli’s hand around his shoulders.
RABBI
(Addressing Mamma Castelli) Pretend I’m Clark Gable in Gone with the Wind.
MAMMA CASTELLI
Rabbi, I’m standing behind you, the wind back here aint’ so hot! (waving bad air)
MILANO
(Tony’s addresses Milano) You know Tony we work hard all our lives, my wife always say to me, why can’t you come home exhausted like the man next door.
TOOTS
I asked my husband if I was the first girl he ever made love to. He said, “it’s possible, were you in Pittsburgh in 1975?
TRIXIE
Men, You wise guys are all the same. My husband never tells the truth. He went hunting one night with his pals, he told me he bagged a cougar, I asked him how did you know it was a cougar, he said, she wore a stiped dress, had an hour glass figure, with a couple of minutes to spare and said I’m game!
MILANO
Hey, Tony are you almost done?
TONY
I still have to trim around your ears.
TONY (CONT’D)
Look at my wife, she has stayed with me through thick and thin. But she has her little problems. (Momma Castelli is all ears) I was trying to convince her that a husband is like a fine wine, he get’s better with age. The next day she locked me in the celler.
MILANO
You know, I admire my uncle Luigi. He believes that a marriage and a career don’t mix. So when he got married he stopped working.
TONY
I’ve always felt that all marriages are happy. It’s the living together that’s the problem.
TOOTS
Husbands, ugh. I met my husband Joey at a dance, it was so embarrassing. I thought he was home with the kids.
TRIXIE
My husband and I were introduced by a mutual friend, the bartender at the Pasquale’s House of meatballs. He’s no longer my friend.
TONY
We’re almost done, Frankie. How are your kids doing?
MILANO
Funny you should ask. My daughter Gina is currently going back east to college.
TONY
What is she taking?
MILANO
Everything I’ve got.
MAMMA CASTELLI
Rabbi wasn’t your son in a lot of trouble?
RABBI
Oy vey, tell me about it. When he was 5 years old we sent him to synagogue school. He hated it. Then we sent him to public school, he got kicked out. Then we tried military school, he wouldn’t take orders,he was discharged. Finally we sent him to Catholic Schools. You wouldn’t believe it, he got straight “A’s!” Wonderful grades. I asked him why did you change? He said, you would change to if you walked into class and saw a Jewish guy nailed to a cross!
MILANO
My uncle Jimmy was a doctor. I went to visit him once. All of a sudden a nun runs in screaming and crying. So my uncle looked at her and told her she was pregnant. Was she pregnant? I don’t know, but it got rid of her hiccups!
TONY
Well girls let’s call it a day. Frankie Milano, it’s always a pleasure to catch up on the local happenings, (Tony looks at Mamma Castelli) what are we have for dinner tonight?
MAMMA CASTELLI
Pasta Bolognese with Pigs feet. Your favorite wine from Tuscany. and for desert my home made cannoli’s. Everyone’s invited. (She waves to the audience inviting them all for dinner.)
(Tony’s addresses Milano) You know Tony we work hard all our lives, my wife always say to me, why can’t you come home exhausted like the man next door.
TOOTS
I asked my husband if I was the first girl he ever made love to. He said, “it’s possible, were you in Pittsburgh in 1975?
TRIXIE
Men, You wise guys are all the same. My husband never tells the truth. He went hunting one night with his pals, he told me he bagged a cougar, I asked him how did you know it was a cougar, he said, she wore a stiped dress, had an hour glass figure, with a couple of minutes to spare and said I’m game!
MILANO
Hey, Tony are you almost done?
TONY
I still have to trim around your ears.
TONY (CONT’D)
Look at my wife, she has stayed with me through thick and thin. But she has her little problems. (Momma Castelli is all ears) I was trying to convince her that a husband is like a fine wine, he get’s better with age. The next day she locked me in the celler.
MILANO
You know, I admire my uncle Luigi. He believes that a marriage and a career don’t mix. So when he got married he stopped working.
TONY
I’ve always felt that all marriages are happy. It’s the living together that’s the problem.
TOOTS
Husbands, ugh. I met my husband Joey at a dance, it was so embarrassing. I thought he was home with the kids.
TRIXIE
My husband and I were introduced by a mutual friend, the bartender at the Pasquale’s House of meatballs. He’s no longer my friend.
TONY
We’re almost done, Frankie. How are your kids doing?
MILANO
Funny you should ask. My daughter Gina is currently going back east to college.
TONY
What is she taking?
MILANO
Everything I’ve got.
MAMMA CASTELLI
Rabbi wasn’t your son in a lot of trouble?
RABBI
Oy vey, tell me about it. When he was 5 years old we sent him to synagogue school. He hated it. Then we sent him to public school, he got kicked out. Then we tried military school, he wouldn’t take orders,he was discharged. Finally we sent him to Catholic Schools. You wouldn’t believe it, he got straight “A’s!” Wonderful grades. I asked him why did you change? He said, you would change to if you walked into class and saw a Jewish guy nailed to a cross!
MILANO
My uncle Jimmy was a doctor. I went to visit him once. All of a sudden a nun runs in screaming and crying. So my uncle looked at her and told her she was pregnant. Was she pregnant? I don’t know, but it got rid of her hiccups!
TONY
Well girls let’s call it a day. Frankie Milano, it’s always a pleasure to catch up on the local happenings, (Tony looks at Mamma Castelli) what are we have for dinner tonight?
MAMMA CASTELLI
Pasta Bolognese with Pigs feet. Your favorite wine from Tuscany. and for desert my home made cannoli’s. Everyone’s invited. (She waves to the audience inviting them all for dinner.)
MILANO
Funny you should ask. My daughter Gina is currently going back east to college.
TONY
What is she taking?
MILANO
Everything I’ve got.
MAMMA CASTELLI
Rabbi wasn’t your son in a lot of trouble?
RABBI
Oy vey, tell me about it. When he was 5 years old we sent him to synagogue school. He hated it. Then we sent him to public school, he got kicked out. Then we tried military school, he wouldn’t take orders,he was discharged. Finally we sent him to Catholic Schools. You wouldn’t believe it, he got straight “A’s!” Wonderful grades. I asked him why did you change? He said, you would change to if you walked into class and saw a Jewish guy nailed to a cross!
MILANO
My uncle Jimmy was a doctor. I went to visit him once. All of a sudden a nun runs in screaming and crying. So my uncle looked at her and told her she was pregnant. Was she pregnant? I don’t know, but it got rid of her hiccups!
TONY
Well girls let’s call it a day. Frankie Milano, it’s always a pleasure to catch up on the local happenings, (Tony looks at Mamma Castelli) what are we have for dinner tonight?
MAMMA CASTELLI
Pasta Bolognese with Pigs feet. Your favorite wine from Tuscany. and for desert my home made cannoli’s. Everyone’s invited. (She waves to the audience inviting them all for dinner.)
MILANO
My uncle Jimmy was a doctor. I went to visit him once. All of a sudden a nun runs in screaming and crying. So my uncle looked at her and told her she was pregnant. Was she pregnant? I don’t know, but it got rid of her hiccups!
TONY
Well girls let’s call it a day. Frankie Milano, it’s always a pleasure to catch up on the local happenings, (Tony looks at Mamma Castelli) what are we have for dinner tonight?
MAMMA CASTELLI
Pasta Bolognese with Pigs feet. Your favorite wine from Tuscany. and for desert my home made cannoli’s. Everyone’s invited. (She waves to the audience inviting them all for dinner.)
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